Some hilarious quotes from celebrities.

Some hilarious quotes from celebrities.

When I die, I want to die like my Grand- father who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in the car which he was driving .

 ~Will Rogers

Never under any circumstance take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 ~Dave Barry

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

 ~Miles Kington

Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you.

~Mark Twain

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born.?

~Benny Hill

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

~Emo Philips

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.

~Charles Wadsworth

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

~Isaac Asimov

Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.

~Mark Twain

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic.?

~Lily Tomlin

If it's sent by ship, then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.

~Dave Allen

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.

~Agatha Christie

The man who smiles when things go wrong, has thought of someone to blame it on.

~Robert Bloch

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

~Oscar Wilde